I should have known or Why I don’t do online dating…anymore

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I should have known. I should have trusted my first instinct when I realized there was a possibility he was more petite than I am. I don’t like that. I need a man who can cuddle me in his arms–which should be at least two times the size of mine–and be able to pick me up and throw me over his shoulder if he had the urge to do so. But the circumference of his arms was dangerously close to the circumference of mine.

I should have known when he said he too shopped for x-small t-shirts. I should have known when he said American Apparel has changed his life.

I should have known when he met me at the train station and I saw a dark tuft of back hair sticking out of his well-fit x-small American Apparel t-shirt.

OK, my attempt-to-be-less-judgmental voice said. He can’t control his unwanted hair in unfortunate places. Men are allowed to be small, or x-small. It’s in his genes, right? He can’t help it. And people grow hair on their backs. It’s natural.

Being a little too little and a little too hairy are things I could overlook if he treated me right, respected me and made me laugh. And he did. But as time progressed over those three dates the cons began outweighing the pros.

He brought his adorable black lab mix to our first date. I asked him to. After all, that’s what drew me to him in the first place. My online dating profile explained I was “a dog lover without a dog” and he was a new dog owner and lover.

I am not usually one for online dating. It seems unnatural to me, forced even. I know plenty of people who have met their spouses/significant others online, which is probably what kept my mind open…for a little while at least. My friend, who seemed more concerned about my love life–or lack there of-more than me, insisted I sign up for one.

“No Dayna,” he tried to convince me, “this site has cool, artsy types, no freaks.” Ummmmm….right.

Anyway….this guy loved his dog so much, in fact, that after he gave me any sort of compliment, he then proceeded to baby talk to his dog, nuzzling himself against her as she lapped his face continuously with her long pink tongue.

“Wow Dayna, you write? That’s really great! But you are great too? Aren’t you little doggie?” he said grabbing the dog’s face. “YES! YOU! ARE!”

I should have known then.

I should have known on the third date when we went back to his apartment and I saw what I saw. His office consisted of the standard item in one’s office: a desk, computer, printer, file cabinet, a full sized video game, arcade-style. OK, not a standard item, but kinda cool. My brother has a Ms. Pacman arcade game in his basement. He’s a cool guy. Maybe this guy is cool too. That’s when I saw…the shelf; the shelf with large transformer robots on it.

“What are those?” I asked, pointing to the shelf.

“Oh those?” he said. “Those? Those are only…THE…BEST…ROBOTS….EVER!”

I wonder if he has ever seen The 40-year-old virgin, I thought.

“This one right here,” he pointed out, “it took, like, 6 months to put together! It had over 1,000 pieces! And this one here…” he continued.

OK, I thought. He has a hobby. People have hobbies. 31 year old with model robots. No big deal. It could be worse.

As I soon learned, it did get worse.

I should have known.

I should have known when I saw all the octopuses.

“Squids actually,” he corrected.

Ummm, ok whatever, squid, octopus, same difference. You still have chochkees all over your room that look like penises with 8 legs. Care to explain?

“Well,” he began, “it all kinda started out as a joke, but snowballed into something so much more.”

I really had no idea where this was going. Was he into sea creatures? Fascinated by their beauty? By their fallic nature? Is he nautical? A fan of seamen perhaps?

“Well it all started when Disney was closing down 20,000 leagues under the sea,” he explained.

“The ride?” I asked.

“Yeah!” he continued. “It’s like a landmark! It shouldn’t be taken down!”

OK, my non-judgmental side tried to rationalize. He’s passionate about something….albeit, saving Disney rides from permanent expulsion, but he has a passion right? You can’t say that about everyone you meet.

He started a website, he explained, save20Kleagues.com. People started writing to him about his valiant efforts to save the ride and began sending him 20K leagues memorabilia. He received official letters from former ride operators, which he framed and hung in his bathroom, which was a 20,000 leagues under the sea shrine. Tremendous posters, seaweed and gold coins from the actual ride and other nautical items donned the restroom. The matching shower curtain/toilet seat cover/trash can/soap dish/toothbrush holder set was designed with swimming fish. He had a rubber duckie on his sink.

I should have known then.

I definitely should have known when I saw the four foot body pillow squid sprawled out on his bed, tentacles reaching in every direction. I held my breath a little when I noticed it and looked towards to the dog, lying on the bright orange couch, looking for an explanation for the world I had just entered. She sighed and put her head down, as if to say, “Yeah, I know, I have to live with this.”

“Oh! That?! That was THE best birthday present I ever got! It makes me tear up even thinking about it!” he said.

I tear up now thinking of why I was ever there.

“This lady in Florida hand-makes these and they are, like, $400! Feel it. It’s beautiful fabric. Real wool and flannel!”

Dude, you are talking about a life-size squid, I was thinking. But I was speechless. I tried my best to hide the judgmental expression on my face.

“So,” he continued, “like 20 of my friend chipped in and bought it for me for my 30th birthday. When I saw it I nearly screamed!”

After the birthday squid story, I told him I had an early flight to Virginia the next day to visit my friend Karen. He said he would drive me home right after we took his dog for a walk. It was late and I didn’t want to take the subway home, so I agreed.

On our walk, the topic of instruments somehow came up and I asked him if he played an instrument.

“No, but I can play a pretty mean Guitar Hero,” he said.

This was when Guitar Hero first came out and, not really being a video game aficionado, I didn’t know what it was.

“Oh I will have to show you quickly before you leave!”

“It’s a video game?” I asked as he was setting it up.

“Oh yeah! It’s great! Watch!” he said a little too excitedly.

I sat and watched as he frantically pushed the different colored buttons, playing Boston’s “More Than a Feeling“, his eyes never leaving the screen, my jaw dropping to the floor.

Looking back, I have to admit, the game looked fun. However, watching a grown man be so into it disturbed me a bit. He showed me how you can could get more points if you dance around with the guitar and make Pete Townshend-like movements (ie: making windmill-esque turns with your arm, jumping up and then doing a split, etc.). I declined when he offered me a try, saying, “Ummm, maybe next time”, knowing there would never be a next time.

The next day, when I got to Virginia, I told Karen all about him. She dubbed him Squid Boy, we had a nice laugh and went to bed.

The next morning I received an email from Squid Boy. It went a little something like this:

Dearest Dayna,

I hope you have made it to Virginia safely and are having a good time with your friend. I have been having a really great time with you and you are one of the best girls I’ve met online. But I just got out of a 10 month relationship and I don’t think I’m ready to be dating again. It’s not fair to either of us to keep seeing each other if I am feeling like this. You are really a great girl and I hope one day we can be friends, but right now I just don’t think its a good idea. Be well.

I immediately called Karen into the room to read it. After reading it and gasping almost every other sentence she said, “HE is dumping YOU?! The guy who loves robots, squids and overplays Guitar Hero is dumping YOU?! The guy who makes out with his dog is breaking up with YOU?! HA!”

I should have known.

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