Being a school teacher has it’s perks. I am usually taller the students in my class. They usually listen to what I say. They are like sponges, absorbing every detail of new information being presented to them, usually. Not to mention the summers off. And usually when I come home from school, I have a terrific quote from at least one of them. Just as the great Bill Cosby says, “Kids say the darndest things!”
This year I have an especially quote-worthy class. As my grandmother would have said, “They are a piece of work.” And they are. Each and every one of them has his/her own distinct personalities. Our class of eight- and nine-year-old children run the gamut. We’ve got a flatulator, whose gaseous releases occur several times a day and are louder than what I can ever produce (get over it ladies, you know we fart ); droopy drawers, who has a constant plumber’s crack; the big teddy bear; who is almost as tall as I am; the soccer fanatic; the tomboy; the fashionista; and many, many more.
In college, my roommates and I had a quote board on a piece of oaktag in the middle of our living room to document the witty, stupid things we said. Some of my favorites were:
Me to one of my roommates: Why does your room always smell like salami?
My roommate after we got cable boxes: I love my box.
My roommate after cleaning out the clogged tub: I just found enough hair in the drain to make wigs for a small country of bald men
(That’s what you get for living with 5 girls with one bathroom!)
I think perhaps I should start carrying around a quote book to jot down all the hilarious, noteworthy things my students say, because by the end of the day, I usually forget. Here are some I remember:
The Hypochondriac
H: I think my dad should go to the doctor.
Me: Why? Is he sick?
H: No, but he has a suspicious mole on his back.
The Thinker
Me: What are some things we have in common with people all over the world?
Various Students: Water! Homes! Food! Clothing!
TT: DIGNITY!
Another day, the Thinker walked in and before even saying hello to me, he said:
“Do you think Darth Vader has asthma? You know, because he breathes heavy all the time?”
The Future Isaac Mizrahi
My co-teacher: Wow! I love your umbrella!
FIM: I KNOW! Isn’t it great?!! I got it at IKEA. They have the BEST umbrellas!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Me to a grumpy 2nd grader in my afterschool class: If you are in my class next year, where would you want to sit?
G2ndG: The furthest seat away from you!
Pleasant. Of course he is in my class now…and fights to sit the closest to me when we meet at the rug.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
The other day, I was trying to make an especially tedious math lesson more exciting. Converting millimeters to meters is as fun as watching paint dry. But with my excited, energized voice and a few slaps of the meter stick, I was determined!
Me: If 100 centimeters equals 1 meter and 10 millimeters equals 1 centimeter, how many millimeters are in 1 meter?
(crickets, crickets, crickets….)
Right! 1,000 millimeters equals 1 meter. So if you are really bored one day and you count all of these itty-bitty lines on the meter stick, there will be 1,000.
Student: Yes, but that would be boring too!
Me: (holding in my laugh) Good point.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
I was reading math problems aloud and students had to solve them on dry-erase boards.
Me: “Ready? An elephant eats 5,000 pounds of food a day.”
Student: “JESUS CHRIST!”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Reprimanding a student:
Me: If you don’t start doing your homework, I’m going to have to call your parents!
Student: If you do, I will break your phone.
Me: Excuse me?!
Student: Haha….I was just kidding!
__________________________________________________________________________________________
My co-teacher started handing out snack.
A student says to her: Goldfish?! How did you know they were my weakness?
__________________________________________________________________________________________
One student accidentally sneezes on another student without covering his nose.
Sneezed on student: What do I look like? A….a…a..nakin?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
I am sure there are a ton more I am forgetting, but there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow starts a new week of fanning out the flatulence, easing the anxieties, managing math, and redirecting readers. Stay tuned for more sh*t my students say!
Week 3 is my favorite Project 52 week. Raf guffawed at the elephant one.
Hysterical!
You funny!
Some brilliant mind gave me a book called “My Quotable Kid.” I think I told you about it, maybe even showed it to you. It was most likely created with parents in mind, but anyone who is around children day in and day out should have one. I think this would be a great addition to your classroom each year.